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One minute I lauph at it and the next I cry. I can;t seem to balance out my emotions toward those words. When I lauph I feel like my life is worth more than their hate towards me. I am strong and ready to do the impossible. But when I am sad I cry over and ask my seft questions why can't I be loved by them. I am so weak and hopeless. I become trash smelling liquor and�the smoke fumes across the street. I am strong and I am weak, they both are confusing.

If only to have something constant to help me find that ballance. To feel complete and be a success for life. Right now I can't forfill any of my dreams. I can't even wake up for a breakfast. I don't even have a place to call home. A home is a place you go when you have no where else to go. And it feels good there. But being forced to leave does not feel good.

I felt home once in a very weird way. It was not in a place but in someones heart.

I wish daymon� and Eli would understand that although Iam kind to them, I am not interested in them. Daymon� called me the other day saying he was stranded and could I wire him some money. What the fuck was he thinking? He is always asking me to do something for him. And Eli has to be told constantly, that Iam not going to be chilling in his bed. Every other week he claims he wants to marry me, it is a game I refuse to participate in. His dick is wee small. He is the one who told me a man would'nt �find me� desirable as a wife because I refuse to be responsible for their happiness. In addittion to the fact that I dont want to be suffocated by their prescence. But oh so wrong he is and have proof. Havent told him about .....� he'd try sour my hopes by saying something negative. Like he isnt in love with me it is just sex. When I do get married again, I want to invite Daymon Eli, curtis and a host of others who wounded me a front row seat to my wedding. So they can all see that loving me is possible. Not because I said so but because God has said it is.

I truly sense a longing for him, God please let me be right about this one. I dont want to be disappointed. He's ignorant to the fact that I will do anything to create a healthy loving environment.� As long as his request are reasonable, accommodating them� arent an issue.� I look forward to being his wife, confidant, lover also so much more. We pretty much have an understanding about expectations. He made it� transparent what kind of wife he wants. My only concerns is the time he allocates to ministry leaves me vying for his attention. Selfish? yep!

We may have some problems with communication but other than that its all good. Wish were closer, probably best we arent though. Going to take things extra slow, no misteps this time around. We have so much in common, cant fathom how I fell for a jesus freak. My affections are reserved for him alone.� Slowly the walls that prevented me from experiencing�happiness �are coming down. I am allowing him� to see into me.This a reference to the hidden part of me, no more holding back. To an extent I trust him. I keep hearing him say to me "beth I love you"..... smacked myself thought I was still sleep.� He wouldnt repeat the statement, its all good though.

On the outside I look like I'm ready for Christmas. I've got my tree up, house is decked out, cookies baked, menu planned for our holiday dinner, shopping is done!

On the inside I'm... uninterested? I can't put my finger on it exactly. I feel like I don't really care. I'm just doing it, doing the next thing that's expected. I don't feel the fun, the joy, the excitement that I normally would.

Last Friday night was very difficult.�Bear wanted us to go out for dinner. He wanted to try this new restaurant in town, I was saying OK but I was thinking- no thanks. I needed to eat something so I went but when the hostess seated us in the middle of a small dining room full of happy people, dressed in festive attire, laughing and enjoying themselves I suddenly realized I was caught in a nightmare. I wanted to holler at them. I felt angry that they were too close, too loud, too happy!!

Shoot, I had to get out of there, quick! I stood up, grabbed my bag and poor Bear knew if he didn't move fast he'd be dining alone. No explaination required, he always seems to get me. We exited and chose somewhere else to just eat - no festivities please.

I was having the worst time telling him how I was feeling. That doesn't happen to me. I've got an excellent decoder of my emotions. My feelings usually lay in plain view, you don't have to look hard to see what I'm going through.

There's just no way to find our way out of this sadness. Someone we love is slipping away from us and there's no changing that. Day by day we stand witness to a life draining away.

It's over, the suffering and pain is over. The waiting has ended, the crying is just getting started.

Shirley died this morning with her husband and daughters by her bedside. She was loved. She will be remembered fondly and often.

I dont know what to do. It feels like apart of me is missing. Ever since my best guy friend moved away, I dont now what to do. I used to love the outdoors... now I curse it almost every waking moment because there are just to many memories....� Passing him in the halls feels like Hell. I never have done well with silence, any form of silence. It feels like we have this agreement� "You dont talk to me, and I dont talk to you"� kinda thing.�He looks at me like he wants to say something, or like he's waiting for someting. But truthfully I dont want to know, because Im scared as to whatever it could be he wants to say. The most I get out of him is a nod of the head! According to him this his is way of saying hi... Bullshit!� We used to be able to tell each other anything! At one point in time he even admitted that I was the only person he could really trust and talk to. I dont get why Im getting the silent treatment. Maybe Im not good enough for him anymore....� The quiet scares me cause it screams the truth

To make matters worse my own family doesn't trust me. I dont know what I did wrong, they say I am a disapointment to them....almost every day. I've been losing my mind, and living a lie. Everything they have ever told me I know they dont mean, because if they did, they would actually say it to my face...

merry christmas to all and to all a good night .

For me, trust is hard to come across. Sometimes my friends think that they are being "sneaky" when they talk about me. Little do they know that I can hear them. Every time that I think I can trust someone they proove me wrong, and that I cant trust them. My whole family talks about me, like Im some type of disappointment to them. But they wont ever say it to my face. So I dont have strait A's like my brother and sister, cant they just accept me for who I am? No matter how hard I try, I never seem to please them. So I've stoped trying, let them think what they want.

shebii

�i am feeling a little empty this coming Christmas though there's nothing for me to be lonely for. i have my family, cousins, friends.. maybe i'm just longing for a special affection from someone. i have been struggling all by myself for the past months now. my life is not actually a total mess, it's just that i'm really�used�of getting so bored that i don't want to spend my whole life just taking care of myself. getting ready, getting ready. actually, i thiink i am really ready to start over. to have someone and be committed. i really think i am now ready. i have been through relationships from heaven to hell, so there's nothing for me to be afraid of. i guess it's alright for me to take chances, because there are no other choices for me. It's just, take the chance! try trusting, again. and jsut don't be afraid. i know i'll get hurt, but who cares. still, i had my chance, and i'm not the one sitting alone thinking about what could have happened if i had taken one single chance with the guy i wanted the most.

haaiiix. hope my right guy comes, and when he comes, im gonna have him for keeps! hehe!